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8th June, 2010. 1:01 am. What is it about this time of year?

In an attempt to avoid my 12 page paper due tomorrow, I need to vent.
Mikey has become one of my best friends over the past 6 months. We spend so much time together, and I can tell him everything. We have a very intimate friendship for 2 people where we cuddle and hug constantly but nothing more. Pete spent months trying to convince us to date, and we were against it because we didnt want to ruin our friendship. Plus he was still into Sara and I was into Steve.
As of a week and a half ago, I started talking to Jim who I met through a friend on my birthday. We talked via text all week and we seem to have a lot in common. We hung out on Friday night and we got along so well. He came to Millers with me and my friends, then we went to his house then met my sister at the Ashton. It was a good night, we learned a lot about eachother and it doesnt bother him that all of my friends are guys. He kissed me goodnight and it was pretty awesome.
Saturday night he was trying to come out after Sara's birthday, but he was stuck at a poker tournament, so at 4am, he and I went to his apartment to hang out. We did a lot of talking, and then we kissed for a little while and kind of dozed off on his couch. Then on Sunday, we went to the movies then to Millers again for the game with my friends. It was a Jim-filled weekend.
Oh but of course the kicker of the weekend... Saturday night, Mikey decided at Sara's grad party to tell me that he liked me. It put me in a terrible position. I love Mikey, I really do, but I don't know if I want to date him. I mean I am really comfortable with him, I trust him, and I know he has had so much bad luck with girls and I'm just making it worse. But I don't think that means I should be dating him. But he is pretty much pissed at me since I won't give him a chance. And to make it even worse, he knows I like Jim, and he wants nothing to do with him, so he won't come near me and Jim.
I really want to give Jim a chance though. I know I haven't known him that long, but I kind of have a good feeling about him. He seems really cool. He's 28 and works at a Pharmacy company and then at night is a personal trainer, so he's kind of ambitious. He's so nice! He always says how I'm cute or adorable or pretty. And we have the same favorite band and favorite song by that band. We're both the middle child. He always talks about his neices and nephews which I think is so cute, he isn't really a huge drinker which is perfect. He's really into sports. He's so respectful! We spent like an hour kissing and that was it, JUST kissing! And he's a good kisser... and when we laid there he was like rubbing my back and stuff, it was so nice. Everyone calls him Ross because he looks like Ross from Friends, my favorite show. He's 6'3 which is awesome because I love tall..and he's in awesome shape. And he seems to be pretty laid back. All qualities that I'd look for in a guy if I thought I could find them. But it worries me cuz I wonder why a 28 year old guy like that would want to date me, so I kind of lack confidence in that area. But I'm willing to see where it goes.
But all that aside, I still don't know what to do about Mikey. I miss him so much! I don't want to lose our friendship! Is Jim worth risking that? But even if Jim wasn't here, would it be enough? Would I have to date Mikey to keep him in my life? I can't do that! Or can I? Am I being too stubborn and selfish?

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26th November, 2009. 4:55 am.

Why do I let guys run my life? I've been feeling so much better about the breakup for like that past week. But the only reason is because I've developed a crush on Pete's friend Christian. He's an MMA instructor and a musician. He plays guitar and sings in a really great cover band. He's 31 and more mature, and when we first talked online, he really showed me a sensitive side of him, and it was really neat. And I learned that he is commitable, unlike some people. And he's REALLY cute.
So I've been crushing on him for the past week, completely taking my mind off of Steve. He had his band's debut show tonight, and I had a really great time. But I realized that I'm being rediculous. Christian and I are never going to happen. He shows no interest in me. Usually you can tell when a guy likes you, and he shows no interest. Besides, he is way out of my league. Plus he smokes, and I don't like smoke. I just feel like its stupid for me to be crushing on some guy who I'm gonna get jealous about everytime he talks to another girl.
Of course I know he is probably just a rebound crush, but why do I have to have that? Why can't I just be happy with myself? Why can't I enjoy life without having a guy to think about? Or why can't Christian just make it easier and like me? Hah.

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15th November, 2009. 12:30 am.

He's fickle. He's a complete jerk and I hate him right now. Its a gray situation and I don't expect anybody to understand my situation, because I've been back and forth between understanding it and being hopeful to just hating him and thinking that I deserve better. But right now I just hate him. I hate him so much. I spent all morning nervous for him hoping that he'd win his fight, and I felt bad when he lost. But right now, I am glad he lost because he deserves that once in a while. He can't get everything he wants. He doesn't deserve it. And after all this time of swearing off facebook, he waits until a week after he dumps me to make one. So now all I do is spend my time on facebook flipping to his page looking at the comments his drop-dead gorgeous ex-girlfriend writes all over his wall. I HATE HIM. I wish bad things on him and I hope he learns how this pain feels. I thought he got it. I thought he understood what it felt like. This agony. This longing for the person you know you are supposed to be with to finally wake up and realize we are meant to be. THREE MONTHS he spent telling me how crazy he is about me. How much he misses me, he needed me, we were supposed to be together, he wanted to marry me, I was the only one for him because when ever he was with another girl, I was the only thing he thought about. He swore he'd never let me feel this pain again. He swore he wouldn't do this to me. He knew how hard it was and he hated himself for doing it the first time. I don't care what his rationale is this time. It doesn't matter. He's still a jerk and he blew his second chance. He's putting me through more pain than he did the first time. And after all we have been through in the past 7 months, I know its gonna take that much longer to get over this time. To finally realize that he's full of shit. That he really DOESN'T know what he wants. That he really IS selfish and really DOESN'T deserve me. No matter what he has me believing on other days, at other times, even 5 hours ago. And leaving me with this everlasting hope that he's gonna come crawling back again. A hope that may never go away. That may cause me to miss out on so much because deep down, I can't let go of this belief that we ARE going to be together again like we were last time. That we WILL have our happily ever after. I just can't fathom it. It's just such a messed up whirlwind of feelings that I can't even describe, because no matter how thoroughly I describe it, nobody will ever understand. NOBODY. No matter how much they want to believe they've been there. They haven't. And be happy that you never will. It's the worst pain you could imagine, and you know that no matter hard you try, no matter what you do to distract yourself or pretend to move on, you're not going to, and the pain will stay with you.

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28th October, 2009. 9:01 pm. VERY rough draft

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22nd September, 2009. 9:44 pm.

I need a jobbbbbbb.
I hate school so much. And I like Sixsmith, but I make no money there. I haven't even bought all my school books yet because I don't have the money. And I'd really rather not have to ask Steve to borrow money, since nobody in my family is reliable enough for that. Grrr...

I can't stand school. I can't even stand the people there. It's so annoying. I wouldn't even need to be there if I could find a freaking Nursing job!

Plus I'm really tired of the problems going on between my sister and her husband. They are unsolvable and I'm so bored with it.

Not everything sucks though of course. I'm EXTREMELY happy with Steven!!!! He's like the best thing that has happened to me! We had a great weekend together for his birthday... especially when he took me to the Eagles game on Sunday! He doesn't even like football, but he knew I did, so he took me! I love him!! And he overly appreciated everything I did for him for his birthday. He's just so perfect. I can't believe I'm so lucky to be with him again. I'm so happy I gave him another chance. He even says we are getting married! I gotta admit though.. the one year anniversary of us breaking up is coming up and its freaking me out because thats all I keep thinking about, is how I felt and how I'm afraid it will happen again. He says he is in this for the long run, but we will see. I'm still freaked out.

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14th July, 2009. 10:43 pm.

It's so funny how the person who has the power to cause you the worst pain is always the person who has the power to make you the happiest you could ever be.
Everyone deserves a second chance. And I legit believe he is not going to screw it up.

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30th June, 2009. 6:17 pm.

I passed Pharm.
I broke up with Randy and now he is going back to his old ways.
I am getting back together with Steve. For real.
I know it sounds like a dumb move, but I whole heartedly believe it is the right thing to do.

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14th May, 2009. 11:55 pm.

So I did it. I made it through school, and I made it through my Steve temptation.
Now I have pharm left, then my boards. eek.

Last Tuesday when I thought I failed Nursing, I called Steve, blamed him, told him I hated him and never wanted to talk to him again. Then I called Randy crying, and he drove up to see me right away. We spent a week straight together. He was so lovey dovey all week and never got sick of me and we had so much fun and talked and everything and he loves me and I'm falling in love with him. And I told Steve on Friday that it wasn't gonna happen. But he keeps texting me and I've been able to wash away all my feelings for him, but he still keeps trying.
and today I screwed up because he keeps saying he wants to see me so I finally gave in and told him I'd meet him for dessert, then 20 minutes later I backed out, and he got so upset because I got his hopes up then let them down. now he's super upset with me and i feel really bad, but i feel like id be betraying randy.
then i spent all of tonight texting randy about how upset i am that we are never going to see eachother this summer, and i got spoiled by waking up next to him for a week straight and now its not gonna happen again. but then again, itll give me time to hang out with my FRIENDS!! ill still miss him though... i finally found someone who wants to do all this fun stuff with me but he cant! i miss him.

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25th April, 2009. 10:53 pm.


It starts with the whole school thing and not knowing if I am going back to Gwynedd.

Then the whole starting to get over Steve thing and him wanting to hang out, which in turn screwed me up.

Then the whole Pete liking me thing when he has a girlfriend.

Then me liking Randy, Pete's best friend, while Pete likes me, and not us not telling Pete about us hanging out.

Now its the whole old love vs. new love bull crap that looks so easy when you watch it on tv, but when you are faced with it, it drives you insane.

Its not easy saying no to the one you love when he says he loves you too, and needs you, and wants to be with nobody but you, and hes sorry, and he screwed up, and he's ready to start over.
But at the same time, there's Randy. He's done NOTHING wrong. I have feelings for him. He acts like I'm the best thing that ever happened to him. When we are together, I can act like I'm five years old again and its okay because he does the same thing. And I admire him a lot.
I also admire Steve. He legit wants to be with me for the long run. But he broke my heart, and if I got back with him, I could be missing out on something great with Randy.
But everytime I go to talk about Randy, Steve's name comes out.
And whenever I look at my future, I see me and Steve in a house in Abington with our English Bulldog.
But at the same time, there are some things I want to do in the future, and I don't want a guy to prevent me from persuing my dreams.

I'm not going to leave Randy. Its already been decided. I'm just afraid that one day I will wake up and think "Oh my God what am I doing?" Hate this.

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21st April, 2009. 6:40 pm.

He's killing me.

He texted me all last night while at work, and then called me WHILE ON DUTY and thoroughly explained why he broke up with me, why he is sorry, why he wants to get back together, how he is ready to be together, how he screwed up, and everything else I could possibly want to hear. And all I could do was sit there and listen. I can't bring myself to leave Randy. He's a great guy and is crazzy about me. Yet I can't believe I am giving up everything I have been wishing for the past 6 months.
I feel like the girl from the notebook! But I can't hurt Randy. And I can't give up on what he have/could have. Poor Randy is clueless. In reality, I'm not being fair to anyone. But apparently steve is gonna wait for me forever. Which makes me feel like shit. Kill me.

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